It's Been A Struggle Lately...

Life has been rough lately, and I've been internally struggling quite a bit.

Working night shift is hard.  Working night shift when you have 2 toddlers is extra hard.  

I want to be a stay at home mom.  But I can't.  It's just not an option for us financially.  I don't think I could even go to dayshift and us be ok financially.  And I'm pretty certain that we do not in anyway live above our means.  We pay our bills, student loans, daycare, mortgage, food, etc.  We hardly have money left over for much else right now.       

And almost everyday that I do ha3ve by myself with the boys, they are way worse for me than they are when their dad stays home with them.  They don't eat very well for me.  They don't nap for me.  They hardly play by themselves and constantly whine to be held.  So then I get discouraged because if I were a stay at home mom, would they get better?  They're almost always great when we go places, so whenever I have them, I usually just end up taking them somewhere (shopping, the park, out to lunch with friends).  Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like to just hang out at home.  

There are so many days (almost every saturday that I work) where I have to wake up at 6am, stay up and watch the boys all day, and then work all night that night.  I end up staying up for 24+ hours.   And then there are days like this weekend.  I woke up at 6am this morning, have had the boys all day, will probably have to work tonight (I'm on call), get to have 3 hours of sleep tomorrow morning while the boys go to church, keep them all afternoon, and return to work again tomorrow night.  So I will get a total of about 3 hours sleep within a 48 hour period.  

This is when I breakdown.  My body is so exhausted.  It's the wee hours at work that is the worst.  All my body wants to do is shut down and collapse, but I can't.  I have to take care of my patients.  And that next day while I'm awake, I tend to lose my temper more with the boys.  I get angry when they won't let me cook dinner.  I get angry when they won't sleep for more than 30 minutes at nap time.  I snap at Jeremy when I feel like he's not trying hard enough to help me out with housework (even though he really does help).  

We have friends that sometimes can help out.  And for that, I'm so thankful.  But when no one can, it sucks.

I'm really trying to change my attitude about it all though.  I'm trying to be content with everything right now, because I can't change any of it.  I know that I don't have it near as bad as some people.  We have a home.  We have clothes.  We have food.  We have so much more.  We have each other.  Some families don't even have the basics.

 I'm thankful that I only work 3 nights a week instead of more.  I'm thankful that even though I have to work all through the night, I have a job that I love.  I'm thankful that I do get to sleep sometimes, even though those hours may be short.  I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with my boys, even if I'm completely sleep-deprived and in a zombie-like state.  

Somedays I get so caught up in how awful I feel that I just pity myself.  And I take my frustration out on anything I can find.  That's totally wrong of me.  And then there are days like today where I slap myself out of self-pity, tell myself that this is what needs to be done right now and I need to suck it up.

There are so many other people in this world who have way bigger problems than running on little sleep.  People are dying of disease and hunger every minute.  Families struggle everyday to keep a roof over their children's heads, and their bellies full.  I bet they don't complain about how little sleep they get.

Who am I to complain so much about something so trivial?

**PS.  I'm not looking for any pity or anything here...just blogging about what's on my mind.

On Trying to Find Positives With Occasional Mandatory Insomnia.

It amazes me how much can be done on so little sleep.  When you become a parent, your children become the very center of your universe.  You will do anything to keep your kids safe, healthy and happy.  Some times this "anything" requires getting little sleep (as in 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, having to work for 24 of those hours), and functioning in a zombie sort of state.  

The past few days have been pretty rough.  The boys had a 24 hour virus of some sort (Although it lasted more like 3 days).  Neither had fevers, and neither of them acted sick.  But they both had very liquid diarrhea, and Judah projectile vomited a few times.  Because of this, they were not allowed to go to daycare.  When the boys go to daycare is when I have to sleep before/after working night shift at the hospital.  These few days that they were sick, were a few days where I had to work 3 nights in a row.  the first day, Jeremy called out of work, and stayed home with him.  The next day after I got off of work, I had to stay awake with them, and then return to work again that night.  Luckily we got a last minute sitter to come over for a little while and I was able to get just a few hours of sleep.  Needless to say, coffee was the only thing that kept me going that night.  Then, the following day, I only got to sleep a few hours in the morning before Jeremy had to leave for work and I had to wake up and watch the boys again.

Being a parent is hard, and the little-to-no-sleep portion of it is just a small part that you have to figure out how to push through.  What really makes it all worth it though are the peaceful quiet moments.  As I was putting the boys down for their nap on one of my sleepless days, I realized that at that very moment, I wouldn't rather be doing anything else.  I sat in their room, dimly lit with a crack of sunshine coming through their bedroom window, rocking back and forth in the rocker.  Each of their little heads lay heavy on my chest.  I can feel their little breath blowing softly on my neck.  They talk to each other for a few minutes, and then each doze off.  Their breaths get deeper and slower as they drift off to sleep.  I can feel their chests rise and fall against my own.

 At another time, I might would say that I would rather be in my warm bed, asleep.  But at that moment, I didn't want to be anywhere else.  I didn't care about my bed, or how tired or exhausted I was, or how awful I felt.  All I cared about was freezing time in that moment, where both of my baby boys were sleeping peacefully in my arms.

  

I Miss My Morning Sleep.

This is how are mornings used to happen:

Babies wake up, start talking in their crib around 6:00 or 6:30 am.

Jeremy or I goes and gets them, and brings them into bed with us.

We all snuggle together.

Babies fall back asleep with us for another hour or so.

We all wake up happy and rested with an extra hour of sleep.

And this is how are mornings have been happening lately:

Babies wake up at 5:00 am, and start yelling in their crib (not crying, but actually yelling).

Jeremy and I goes and gets them, and brings them into bed with us.

Babies crawl around the bed, smacking/kicking us in the face, laughing and yelling some more.

We all get up and go downstairs.

It's not even light outside yet.

Why so dang early boys?!

We make coffee and get on with our day, which now starts at 5 am apparently.

 

The only thing that makes getting up that early everyday is how happy the boys are when they wake up.  I need to bring the camera upstairs with us to get a picture of their smiles when they see us after they first wake up.  They'll be sitting there in there crib talking to each other, and when one of us walks in, they will start smiling, jumping and laughing like crazy.  It's hilarious to watch how excited they get, just because they are awake and have the opportunity for a new day.

I should be that excited every day.  I should be excited that not only do I have another day to live, but another day to spend with my awesome little family.  I do a lot of complaining sometimes, but I need to stop. I need to just remember that if my babies can be without a single worry first thing on a new day, then so can I.  I'll try to wake up everyday with a huge smile on my face.  

      

But I'll probably still need my coffee first.

How We Do What We Do Everyday.

You get asked a lot of questions when you have twins. 

One of the most common as of late has been "How do you do all of these things you like to do, and take care of 2 babies?"

Well friends, here is a detailed answer and look into our everyday life of how we manage mundane tasks while keeping 2 little boys healthy and happy.

1.  "How do you take the boys around on errands?"

-If I need to go to a store or somewhere big enough where I will be there for while, I take our double stroller.  The boys love going anywhere so they're pretty content just hanging out in the stroller, flashing smiles at everyone.  If I need to take them both into somewhere that is not so double-stroller-friendly (Baja Burrito for example), I simply put one of them in a carrier/wrap/sling, and carry the other on one of my arms, which then leaves me with one free arm.   Like so...

It works nicely.  And I feel a little like superwoman.

And now that they can sit up just fine on their own, grocery shopping with both boys is much easier also. I put one of them in the cart-seat, and one of them in a carrier or sling!

2.  "How do you find time to keep up with this blog, your food blog, reading and whatever else your hobbies are?"

-It really helps that my boys go to bed around 630-7 every night.  Jeremy and I usually don't go to bed until 11 or so, which gives us plenty of time to ourselves each night.  This is when I can be found on the computer, in the kitchen cooking/baking, playing wii, reading, or scrapbooking.  

3.  "How are you able to cook at home as much as you do?"

-Time management is big here.  If you know anything about my cooking style, I don't really like pre-made meals or throw-everything-from-a-can-in-a-pot-and-bake-it type of cooking.  I like to start from raw ingredients.  This is usually more delicious and nutritious, however, it is definitely more time consuming.  You have to find time to chop all the fruit and veggies.  You have to find time to make/cook the pasta.  You have to find time to knead the bread dough and let the yeast rise.  Meal planning is also big.  Last minute throw together meals work out occasionally, but I usually have better luck if I know what I'm going to make on which day.  This also lets me plan ahead to have dinner ready before 9 pm.  Throughout the day, whenever babies nap or are self-entertaining, I take the opportunity to go chop some veggies that I will use for dinner that night.  Sometimes, I'll prepare everything the night before, and all I have to do the day of is actually cook it.  It's also nice having a husband that knows a thing or two about food, because he will occasionally cook or help out with the cooking when things are really busy.  And for those days when babies are not self-entertaining and refuse to do anything except be held...

Sometimes you have to cook one-handed and/or with a baby or 2 on your hip.  

4.  "How do you have time to work out and stay healthy?"

-Make it a priority.  Since we have adapted our way of eating, our diet has become very important to us, as has exercise.  Running outside is my preferred method of exercise.  However, since I'm working 4 12-hour shifts a week from now until April, I feel like the days that I am home need to be spent with my boys only.  I don't like to leave them to go on a run.  So, I opt for other methods of working out.  If it's nice enough outside, I do take the boys for a run in our double jogging stroller.

Otherwise, I  workout either while the boys nap, after they go to bed, or while they are awake and happy playing with each other. Sometimes they will sit there and watch me workout, and laugh.

5.  "How do you get them to nap/wake/sleep at the same time?"

-I don't feel like we've really done much to make this happen.  The boys just sort of do it on their own, and pretty much always have.  They usually get tired around the same times, and nap together during the day (they can get a little off here and there, but not drastically).  They don't wake each other up during naps, so sometimes one will wake before the other.  As far as bedtime, we do the same routine each night, and they both take to it well, and go to sleep (usually) without a fuss.  They sleep straight through the night, and usually wake up around the same time together in the morning.  We just got lucky here I guess.

6.  "How do you have time to wash and prepare cloth diapers for your twins?"

-I actually just posted about this a few days ago:  Cloth Diapers.  Washing really isn't that much work.  We throw wet cloths into the bag, we spray out the poops in the toilet.  When we have a full bag (about every other day), throw them in the wash, dry them overnight, and stuff them later that night or the next morning during downtime (or one or two as needed if there is no time to stuff all at once).  

7.  "How do you get ready in the mornings and get to places on time?"

-Babies wake up.  They come into bed with us.  We snuggle.  We get up and start getting ready in our room.  Babies watch the ceiling fan, play with each other, or fall back asleep on our bed.  All while we are showering and getting ready.  Then, we change, feed, and go!

And that's how we do things 'round here.  If you would have asked me these questions while I was pregnant, I would have no answers.  I had to figure it out.  Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.  I figure out more and more things that work for us every day, and I'm still learning.

Anyone have any other questions that I didn't answer?

A Movie, Colds, and Sleepers.

Sorry I have been gone for a while ya'll.  I had a stretch of 4 days in a row working (and when those are 12 hour shifts, that's a long 4 days), so I've been pretty much working, taking care of babies, working out with Jillian Micheals (she's kicking my butt, by the way), and sleeping, and therefore not leaving much time for the blogs.  But now I have 7 days straight off from work, which I'm super pumped about.

We were able to get away one night after the boys went to bed a few days ago and we went to see the movie The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo.  

I read the famous trilogy, and Jeremy and I watched the swedish versions of all 3 films, so we were interested to see how this one would turn out.  We were pretty impressed with the swedish films.  Good acting, true to the story, etc.  We like Daniel Craig, and thought he would work well as the supporting actor in the new movie, and he did.  Rooney Mara was chosen to play Lisbeth, and she played the role perfectly.  The movie was very good, and I'm excited for the final 2 to come out!

In other news, I'm the only one in our house who hasn't gotten sick recently.  Baby boys and Jeremy are all trying to get over a little cold.  Poor little guys have snot and phlegm pouring out of them.  Foxx doesn't even act like he's sick...he's as happy as can be...with a cough and snot all over his face and all.  Judah is just a little cranky, but not really all that bad.  Foxx's cold is almost completely gone now, and Judah's still working on it.  A Vix vaporizer, and the little blue suction bulb have been our best friends as of late.  

Also unrelated to anything else in this post, we are trying to see if the boys will sleep in sleepers now instead of swaddle blankets...they are getting sort of big for the swaddles and wiggle their way out of them every night anyway, so we thought it may be time to drop them.  They are doing ok, its just occasionally they will move so much in their sleep that one will be kicking the other, or they will roll over in their sleep and wake themselves up.  That's only happened a few times, and I think they are getting more used to it now.  Plus, sleepers are super cute.  

Going up and getting our boys out of bed, whether it be from a nap or in the morning after a good night's sleep is one of my favorite times of the day, because they will always greet you with a huge smile.  They've rested, they're happy to see you, and they're ready to play.  It makes getting up early sooo much better.  I mean, who wouldn't love to get up early and play with these little dudes?!

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Thanks² Day 08

I'm thankful that I got a 2 hour uninterrupted nap today!

On a typical day in the Tucker household, I don't get a nap.  Baby boys go to bed around 730-8 ish each night, and wake up around 6.  I should go to bed shortly after they do, but I don't.  It's the only time of day that I get to myself and the time where I have to get stuff done (housework, cooking, etc).  Occasionally I can do some of this stuff while they nap, but since they have been fighting sleep lately, it takes so long to put them down for naps, and they rarely stay asleep for more than an hour at a time, it's hard to get much done.  I can sometimes get a load of laundry or part of dinner done during one of these naps, but I usually opt to find something quickly to eat and just chill for a second.  I sometimes try to take a nap while they nap, but I'm always on high-alert listening for them on the monitor that I can't really sleep well.

Today, Jeremy's parents were in town for a doctors appointment.  They stayed with us last night, and this morning, I was allowed to take a nap.  A nap that was upstairs, in my bed with no monitor next to me.  I could sleep without worrying about running into the babies' room to put in a pacifier or pat somebody back to sleep.  It was awesome.

Thanks² Day 07

I'm thankful for my morning coffee and quiet time.

My boys get up super early.  Which is fine, because they go to bed at 8pm and sleep through the night.  After waking up, eating and playing for a while, they take a morning nap.  I love this time to have to myself (or with Jeremy if when here) to get things ready for the day, eat breakfast, fully wake up and drink some coffee.  The  boys get more and more needy/fussy as the day goes on, so I try to be as productive as possible in the mornings.  Love my little guys, and love them even more when they take good naps and wake up happy!  

Sleep

It happened.  Our baby boys started sleeping through the night.  It's been amazing!  They first did it when we were in Huntsville, visiting Jeremy's parents.  They slept from 8pm until 4 am, woke up to eat, and then went back down until 8am.  It was awesome and I was pretty sure it was just a fluke.  Maybe they had just gotten extra worn out that day or something I thought.  But they did it again, and then again, and then again!  They did it every night that we were at Huntsville.  Ok, so it's just because they're in a new place.  All the new smells and surroundings make them extra tired, so that's why they're sleeping longer.  I was expecting it to stop and go back to waking up every 3 hours on the dot when we got back home.  To my surprise, they continued to do it at home!

The boys have slept in a co-sleeper on our bed since they day they came home.  We said that once they started sleeping through the night, we would move them into their own crib.  I was a little sad to do this, because I liked having them close to me.  They stayed in the co-sleeper for almost a week more, just to make sure that the sleeping-through-the-night deal was for real.  They continued to sleep, and they even stopped waking up for the 4am feeding.  So we moved them to their crib in their room across the hall.  I was positive that this wouldn't work and they would continue to wake up throughout the night.

but they didn't wake up.


After a bath, feeding and rocking (our bedtime routine), they lied down in their crib and fell asleep, without a problem.  The first night or two I'm pretty sure I checked on them once every hour to make sure they were still breathing, because they were actually sleeping and not waking up.

So now they go to bed at 8pm every night.  and it's awesome.  Jeremy and I get a few hours together, just us, before we go to bed.  I can get housework done, we can eat an uninterrupted dinner, and watch tv or hang out or whatever.  I am a little sad though that they are not right next to me when I go to sleep.  The co-sleeper next to our bed is now empty.

We co-bed our boys, meaning they sleep together in the same crib.  We place them on opposite ends of the crib when we put them down, and in the morning, or at any time that we check on them in the night, they are close together.  I don't know how they manage to roll/scoot/shimmy to move closer, but it always happens.  They are even swaddled in these little velcro swaddle blankets, so they can't really use their arms to move.  I don't know how they do it, but they do.  They also will flip around and do a whole 180 degrees turn sometimes.  It's ridiculous.  Here are some illustrations of positions that we sometimes find them in:

This is how they start out. 

This is how we find them almost every time.

And this is also how we often find them.

It's like a surprise waiting for us when we walk in their room, we are always wondering what crazy positions we'll find them in.

This morning, Judah was perpendicular to Foxx, kicking him in the chin.

The crazy thing is, they don't wake each other up!  Judah usually wakes up first, and his cries, even when they are loud cries, don't make Foxx budge an inch.  (Foxx usually wakes up on his own within 10 minutes of Judah though).  He wasn't even waking up this morning when he was being kicked by his bro.  It scared me a little, so I made sure he was still alive.  He was.



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