It's Been A Struggle Lately...

Life has been rough lately, and I've been internally struggling quite a bit.

Working night shift is hard.  Working night shift when you have 2 toddlers is extra hard.  

I want to be a stay at home mom.  But I can't.  It's just not an option for us financially.  I don't think I could even go to dayshift and us be ok financially.  And I'm pretty certain that we do not in anyway live above our means.  We pay our bills, student loans, daycare, mortgage, food, etc.  We hardly have money left over for much else right now.       

And almost everyday that I do ha3ve by myself with the boys, they are way worse for me than they are when their dad stays home with them.  They don't eat very well for me.  They don't nap for me.  They hardly play by themselves and constantly whine to be held.  So then I get discouraged because if I were a stay at home mom, would they get better?  They're almost always great when we go places, so whenever I have them, I usually just end up taking them somewhere (shopping, the park, out to lunch with friends).  Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like to just hang out at home.  

There are so many days (almost every saturday that I work) where I have to wake up at 6am, stay up and watch the boys all day, and then work all night that night.  I end up staying up for 24+ hours.   And then there are days like this weekend.  I woke up at 6am this morning, have had the boys all day, will probably have to work tonight (I'm on call), get to have 3 hours of sleep tomorrow morning while the boys go to church, keep them all afternoon, and return to work again tomorrow night.  So I will get a total of about 3 hours sleep within a 48 hour period.  

This is when I breakdown.  My body is so exhausted.  It's the wee hours at work that is the worst.  All my body wants to do is shut down and collapse, but I can't.  I have to take care of my patients.  And that next day while I'm awake, I tend to lose my temper more with the boys.  I get angry when they won't let me cook dinner.  I get angry when they won't sleep for more than 30 minutes at nap time.  I snap at Jeremy when I feel like he's not trying hard enough to help me out with housework (even though he really does help).  

We have friends that sometimes can help out.  And for that, I'm so thankful.  But when no one can, it sucks.

I'm really trying to change my attitude about it all though.  I'm trying to be content with everything right now, because I can't change any of it.  I know that I don't have it near as bad as some people.  We have a home.  We have clothes.  We have food.  We have so much more.  We have each other.  Some families don't even have the basics.

 I'm thankful that I only work 3 nights a week instead of more.  I'm thankful that even though I have to work all through the night, I have a job that I love.  I'm thankful that I do get to sleep sometimes, even though those hours may be short.  I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with my boys, even if I'm completely sleep-deprived and in a zombie-like state.  

Somedays I get so caught up in how awful I feel that I just pity myself.  And I take my frustration out on anything I can find.  That's totally wrong of me.  And then there are days like today where I slap myself out of self-pity, tell myself that this is what needs to be done right now and I need to suck it up.

There are so many other people in this world who have way bigger problems than running on little sleep.  People are dying of disease and hunger every minute.  Families struggle everyday to keep a roof over their children's heads, and their bellies full.  I bet they don't complain about how little sleep they get.

Who am I to complain so much about something so trivial?

**PS.  I'm not looking for any pity or anything here...just blogging about what's on my mind.

What We've Been Up To Lately: Quiet Book//Birthday Presents//Weddings//New Job

This is going to be a mash up post of our life happenings as of late.

First of all, I finished the first page of the boys' quiet book!  I'm solo slow when working on this stuff, mainly because I haven't done a lot of sewing before, so it takes me a while to figure things out so that I don't sew something upside down or inside out or what not.  But I'm excited about how this first page turned out, and can't wait to do more!

Just in case you can't tell, the page has a little 3d rocket that is attached to a zipper.  As you pull the rocket up towards the moon, the fabric opens into what is suppose to look like flames coming out of the back of the rocket.  I did make my orange fabric piece a little too small, as it does not come down all the way to the edge of the page.  Oops.  I didn't want to redo it, and I don't think it looks bad enough to warrant a total remake.    

Let me know what you think!  It's my very first time with doing anything like this, so be nice.  

Jeremy's birthday was back in August, and I thought I would share his gifts that I got him, because they're pretty awesome.  First of all, I got him these:

If you know Jeremy at all, you probably know that he is a huge Star Wars fan.  We always make fun of the typical stick-figure-family details, so I thought these would be awesome instead for our car!  He loved them, and was so excited to put them on the back of our car.  

The other part of his birthday present was a surprise date night to The Price Is Right Live Show!  The show came to Nashville a couple weeks ago, and I thought it would be fun for us both to go.  Unfortunately, neither of us got chosen to play, but we had fun watching! (sorry for the dark pics-my cell phone is all I had!)

This past weekend, I had the awesome privilege of being a bridesmaid in one of my best friends' wedding!  The wedding was perfect and beautiful.

Since I had to leave early in the morning the day of the wedding, Jeremy was left to work, pick the boys up from daycare, feed them, clean them, get them dressed and make it to wedding on time...all within like an hour and half.  But he made it!  And the boys looked super cute!

Foxx

Judah

 

                      

The boys had so much fun.  They did awesome, especially since they were out way past their bedtime that night.  They were very good during the  ceremony, loved hanging around all the people, and especially loved dancing with us on the dance floor.  (So wish I had photos of that...but I was busy actually dancing with my boys and not able to take the pictures).  We all had an awesome night.

And lastly, we're excited about Jeremy's new job!  He is now going to be working at The Well, a coffee shop that was started by a few people from our church.  This coffee shop has done surprisingly well.  It is an awesome little shop that gives away all of their profits to a couple different organizations that build wells for people in other countries who do not have access to clean water.  

This coffee shop has really opened my eyes to how much other* coffee shops are just pocketing money.  This place can afford to pay their baristas (not unfairly), keep the place open and thriving, charge cheaper prices for their coffee (not compromising on quality or taste), and still afford to give away a whole lot of money to people who really need it.  

We're so excited that Jeremy has the opportunity  to work for such an awesome place.  He starts in a couple of weeks! 

If you haven't been yet, you should totally go check out The Well.  It's located in Green Hills, right on the corner of Richard Jones rd and Hillsboro.  Not only will you get a great cup of coffee, but you will also be helping people who are less fortunate than yourself.  

  

On Trying to Find Positives With Occasional Mandatory Insomnia.

It amazes me how much can be done on so little sleep.  When you become a parent, your children become the very center of your universe.  You will do anything to keep your kids safe, healthy and happy.  Some times this "anything" requires getting little sleep (as in 2 hours of sleep in a 48 hour period, having to work for 24 of those hours), and functioning in a zombie sort of state.  

The past few days have been pretty rough.  The boys had a 24 hour virus of some sort (Although it lasted more like 3 days).  Neither had fevers, and neither of them acted sick.  But they both had very liquid diarrhea, and Judah projectile vomited a few times.  Because of this, they were not allowed to go to daycare.  When the boys go to daycare is when I have to sleep before/after working night shift at the hospital.  These few days that they were sick, were a few days where I had to work 3 nights in a row.  the first day, Jeremy called out of work, and stayed home with him.  The next day after I got off of work, I had to stay awake with them, and then return to work again that night.  Luckily we got a last minute sitter to come over for a little while and I was able to get just a few hours of sleep.  Needless to say, coffee was the only thing that kept me going that night.  Then, the following day, I only got to sleep a few hours in the morning before Jeremy had to leave for work and I had to wake up and watch the boys again.

Being a parent is hard, and the little-to-no-sleep portion of it is just a small part that you have to figure out how to push through.  What really makes it all worth it though are the peaceful quiet moments.  As I was putting the boys down for their nap on one of my sleepless days, I realized that at that very moment, I wouldn't rather be doing anything else.  I sat in their room, dimly lit with a crack of sunshine coming through their bedroom window, rocking back and forth in the rocker.  Each of their little heads lay heavy on my chest.  I can feel their little breath blowing softly on my neck.  They talk to each other for a few minutes, and then each doze off.  Their breaths get deeper and slower as they drift off to sleep.  I can feel their chests rise and fall against my own.

 At another time, I might would say that I would rather be in my warm bed, asleep.  But at that moment, I didn't want to be anywhere else.  I didn't care about my bed, or how tired or exhausted I was, or how awful I felt.  All I cared about was freezing time in that moment, where both of my baby boys were sleeping peacefully in my arms.

  

Child Care

I don't remember my thoughts about child care when I was pregnant.  I just knew that Jeremy and I both had jobs, I was going to take off 4 months from work after they were born, and our plan was to have Jeremy stay home with the boys when I had to return to work.  I guess I knew that at some point Jeremy would have to find a job, but I didn't really think about what we would do with the boys when that time came.  

Well, that time is here.  While Jeremy has loved being a stay at home dad for the past year, he really does want a job.  He misses working, and our finances are slowly dwindling as a household with only one income.  The most ideal situation would be for Jeremy to be the only one that has to work, and I would be able to stay at home full time with the boys.  But that can't quite happen yet.  That being said, our only other option is to get child care for the boys. But, I am very thankful that I only have to work 3 nights a week, so the days that I am off from work I can spend with Judah and Foxx. 

We toured a few different childcare centers around our area, and ended up finding one we really like.    It's part of the KinderCare Learning Center chains.  The boys will be in the toddler class (Toddlers!  I  now have 2 toddlers.  oh dear.).  The day we toured, there were kids in there that just looked so much bigger than J and F, even though they weren't really that much older or bigger.  They were all sitting down at a big table together eating lunch, using spoons.  Ha.  We'll see how that goes with our boys.  They also all take naps together on little cots.  That'll be interesting to see how the boys take to also.

This situation is bitter-sweet for me.

 The sweet part is that Jeremy has a new job which he is excited about.  Another sweet part is that on the days after the nights that I work, I will be able to actually sleep. currently, I'm getting by with roughly 5 hours of broken sleep each time I work because I feel the need to come downstairs and help Jeremy with the boys when their being difficult instead of sleeping.

The bitter part is of course, not having my babies at home with me all the time.  I feel this constant need to be close to them.  Even if I'm sitting here blogging on the computer while they are playing with each other 5 feet away,  If I were sitting here blogging and they were at daycare, I would feel a constant need to drop what I'm doing and go pick them up to be here with me.  I feel like that will happen a lot.

One thing that I was worried about with childcare was still being able to use our cloth diapers.  I did NOT want to have to start buying disposables.  We've loved using cloth diapers for our boys, and I was worried that daycare would not be willing to use them.  But they are!  I was so excited when I found this out.  We'll just send all the supplies for them, and they'll do it.  That was huge.

I feel like the boys are super close to walking.  They're standing on their own for a few seconds without holding onto anything, and will occasionally take a few steps.  I feel like once they go to daycare and see all the other kids around them walking, they'll just take off.  I don't want to miss their first walk!  I may tell the daycare workers to not tell me if they did start walking that day.   Then they would come home and walk, and I would think that it was the first time.

That will work, right?

They boys' first day is next monday, the 23rd.  I work that sunday night, and that's Jeremy's first day of work.  We'll both go and drop them off.  I'm sure they won't even cry.  But I'm sure we will!


I wonder how the boys will do having to share with not only their brother, but a lot of other kids too...you can see how well they share now here  : )

Parenthood

Being a parent is a full-time job.  I don't think I need to expand on that statement to anyone who has been around anyone with children.  Unlike a day-to-day run-of-the-mill career, there are no "sick days".  There are no shift-trades, personal days or vacation days.  It is a 24/7 job without monetary payment.  It is at times very difficult, but always extremely rewarding and humbling.  Having children has taught me a lot of patience.  There have been many days where I have woken up (in the middle of the night, or the morning) and thought...I can't do this.  I'm too tired, I don't feel good, I'm not strong enough, etc.  But somehow, I always did it.  I pushed through whatever ailed me at the time and took care of my babies.  Once you have kids, you are no longer the center of your life.  The kiddos take over the focus.  It can be hard to accept that at first, but once that realization has been met, once the fact that every single day of life from here on out is lived for my husband and my babies and not for myself is accepted, life can really begin.  You begin to see so much beauty, and love and energy that wasn't there before.  Every new day is about love.  God's love for us, our love for each other and our love for our children.  It's crazy how these things change so drastically.


Over the past few weeks, our little family has been a little under the weather.  Foxx got it first.  Cool boy didn't even act he was sick.  Snot pouring out his nose and he's just laughing away in between coughs.  Judah caught it next, and is still getting over the crud.  Jeremy had it last week.  I thought I was going to get away without catching it.

WRONG.

It finally got to me.  Although I don't have it full force (yet), I am definitely feeling it.  I'm more tired, I can't breathe through my nose when I wake up in the morning,  I have a headache most of the day, and sinus pressure like crazy.

Even though I wake up feeling like absolute crap, once the boys wake up and need something, my sickness is pushed aside.  I don't even realize just how bad I actually feel until the end of the day when the boys are sleeping and all is quiet in the house.

I'm a mom.  I don't get a chance to be sick.  


So I'm  not going to.  I'm going to will my sickness away.

That is all.

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Mr. Mom

So I just got handed this computer and told to write about my, Jeremy, journey thus far as a stay-at-home dad.  I must admit, I haven't been alone with them too many times.  My mother has been good enough to come up most of the days that Sarah has worked and helped me out.  On the longer stints, I have taken the boys down to my parents.  I have, however, a few days of it being just me and the boys.

I will begin with the fact that I can only do this because I don't have to work.  That doesn't mean I don't want to work, but it just happened to work out that it would be best for me to stay at home with the boys.  Most of this is because my degree has yet to give me any return on my extremely large investment (If you want to make money out of college, get your degree in something other than Bible.  At this point, it seems that art and philosophy would grant an easier list of job opportunities).  I digress.  This was difficult at first, because I like to work.  This is mainly because I like the relationships that are built by working beside people.  That is what I miss the most.  On the other hand, I have never felt so much pride in what I do on a day-to-day basis as I do now at home with my boys.

The trick to taking care of twins by yourself is by retaining control.  This is done by getting them on a schedule so as to easily predict and control their feeding and sleeping times.  Our boys take food roughly every three hours.  Their naps usually last forty-five minutes, and they spend about 2-2 1/2 hours awake to play and eat.  The problem with this schedule is that at the beginning of the day, the boys are both hungry.  This is where you have to guess which one is hungriest, feed him first, and ignore the other one that decides he can't go without food three minutes into a feeding and proceeds to cry his head off until it is his turn.  Once he does eat, the next hurdle is the first nap.  Again, you find the most tired and try to put him down quick.  This usually sets up the schedule for the whole day.

Recently, however, Judah has decided that he doesn't want to sleep. . . ever!  So when he is tired and ready for sleep, it is usually easier to rock Foxx to sleep and let Judah cry away, as he will until he's worn himself out whether I am holding him or not.

The rest of the day I am usually playing with them on the ground, or rotating them through their various swings, seats, and toys that they have.  The hope is that they won't get bored with all of their stuff and be happy throughout the day.  (Again, recently this hasn't worked as Judah has taking up pitching fits as his favorite passed time.)

The hard part comes at the end of the day.  You see, they both get tired at 6:30.  This is when we usually give them baths, feed them, and rock them to sleep.  I can't do that.  It has worked out that way, but the last time I did that Foxx fell asleep in his pack-n-play while screaming.  I was rocking Judah to sleep upstairs.  While I hated letting Foxx cry so much, it was kind of nice being able to pick him up and lay him in his crib without having to fight him fighting sleep.

At the end of the day I am more tired than I ever was throwing 100 80lb bags of concrete in the back of a truck 10 times a day for 8 hours while working at the Home Depot.  I clean up just as much poo as I did while working in the Neuro ICU at Vanderbilt in a job whose primary job description was cleaning up poo.  I also don't get any adult conversation.  All of this would usually mean that I hate my life and want to go back to work, but I don't.  There are rare days where I would rather be working.  The truth is that I love my job right now.  I don't know how long it will last.  It could last up until they are in kindergarden, or depending on the final count of children, it could be much much longer.  I guess I hope that it lasts a long time, because even if I do ever get to use my degree I'm sure it will never be as fun or rewarding as being a house husband.



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Thanks² Day 17 & 18

I'm thankful for my KitchenAid stand mixer.  

This thing is awesome.  It makes homemade bread-making so easy.  It also can shred chicken!  How cool is that!? (details about that in a food blog post coming soon)  It allows me to multi-task, and I use it all the time.  

How cute are these tiny scrubs!?

I'm thankful that I have a job that I love, as a nurse.  

I have been on night shift (7 pm - 7 am) since I have started as a nurse, and it has been rough.  I recently have returned to work from my maternity leave, and next week I am moving to day shift! (7 am - 7pm).

This is going to make my sleeping patterns sooo much better and easier.  I can spend even more time with my boys since I won't have to sleep any during the day!  Not only am I thankful that I have a job, but that I only have to work 3 days a week.  Just 3!  That gives me even more time with my little family. : )