Rants & Where I've Been.

So probably nobody has really noticed or even really cares, but I've been gone for a while.  Not gone as in  away from home gone, but gone in the sense of away from Facebook/blogging.  I haven't blogged anything in over a month, and have hardly checked Facebook except for maybe once a day or a few times a week.  I used to be on the computer a lot.  I would spend almost every free minute I had writing blog posts, reading other blogs or perusing Facebook.  I haven't been doing much of any of those things lately.  I've decided that I don't like how much of my time was spent on the computer, and so I've cut back.  And it's been pretty awesome.  I've been reading a lot more.  I've been spending time just talking with Jeremy after the boys go to bed.  I've been working more on the boys' quiet book.  I've just been enjoying actually playing with the boys instead of just watching over them and making sure they're safe.  It feels good to let go of the "duties" that I had placed on myself regarding blogging and Facebook.  I used to feel like I needed to post X amount of blog posts per week, or had to upload all these photos off of my camera and put them on Facebook for friends to see, or just had to check Facebook to see what my friends were up to.  But I'm done with the necessity of those things.  I'll blog when I want to, and I'll check FB/put up pictures when I feel like it.  

Have you heard my soapbox on smartphones?  I'm sure I've rambled about it before, but here I go again.  Neither Jeremy or I have any sort of smartphone.  Neither do either of our families.  We have no desire to have smartphones.  I feel like if I had a smartphone, my time would be spent on it more than it would elsewhere.  Sure there are plenty of times when a smartphone would be helpful and useful to me (say when I get lost...cause we all know I'm terrible with directions), but I can totally live my life without one.  And I think that almost everyone that has one would also claim that.  There are places and things that have once been easy to do without a smartphone, but that have recently been proven more difficult.  This makes me very angry a lot of times.  I saw a cartoon once that was 2 photos of children playing on a playground...one was captioned "this is how kids played in the 90's" and had children playing on  swings and slides, etc., and the next photo was captioned "this is how kids play today", with the photo being of kids sitting around at a park all on their phones.  I know that this is a stereotype and not every family is like this, but it is more true than it used to be.  I don't like that it sometimes seems that phones have replaced face-to-face conversations and personal interactions.
 I would rather my life be not so tech-centered, and if I really don't need something like that, I would rather not have the temptation of that convenience.  

Ok smartphone rant over.     

We are about to make some big changes in the next couple years for our little family, and I've really just been putting more thoughts and effort into what that is all going to look like and what things need to be done to prepare.  I know I'm being vague, and if you're close with me you probably already know what I'm talking about, but for those of you who don't know, I'll expand more on this exciting news very soon.  This all being said, we're probably going to have to learn to live in a not very technology-centered way, so the more we can learn to live without now, and the better we can teach our boys to live this way, the better we will be in the long run.

So what is the point of this post?  There isn't a huge one.  It's just to say that I may not be here as often as I used to be.  

It's Been A Struggle Lately...

Life has been rough lately, and I've been internally struggling quite a bit.

Working night shift is hard.  Working night shift when you have 2 toddlers is extra hard.  

I want to be a stay at home mom.  But I can't.  It's just not an option for us financially.  I don't think I could even go to dayshift and us be ok financially.  And I'm pretty certain that we do not in anyway live above our means.  We pay our bills, student loans, daycare, mortgage, food, etc.  We hardly have money left over for much else right now.       

And almost everyday that I do ha3ve by myself with the boys, they are way worse for me than they are when their dad stays home with them.  They don't eat very well for me.  They don't nap for me.  They hardly play by themselves and constantly whine to be held.  So then I get discouraged because if I were a stay at home mom, would they get better?  They're almost always great when we go places, so whenever I have them, I usually just end up taking them somewhere (shopping, the park, out to lunch with friends).  Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like to just hang out at home.  

There are so many days (almost every saturday that I work) where I have to wake up at 6am, stay up and watch the boys all day, and then work all night that night.  I end up staying up for 24+ hours.   And then there are days like this weekend.  I woke up at 6am this morning, have had the boys all day, will probably have to work tonight (I'm on call), get to have 3 hours of sleep tomorrow morning while the boys go to church, keep them all afternoon, and return to work again tomorrow night.  So I will get a total of about 3 hours sleep within a 48 hour period.  

This is when I breakdown.  My body is so exhausted.  It's the wee hours at work that is the worst.  All my body wants to do is shut down and collapse, but I can't.  I have to take care of my patients.  And that next day while I'm awake, I tend to lose my temper more with the boys.  I get angry when they won't let me cook dinner.  I get angry when they won't sleep for more than 30 minutes at nap time.  I snap at Jeremy when I feel like he's not trying hard enough to help me out with housework (even though he really does help).  

We have friends that sometimes can help out.  And for that, I'm so thankful.  But when no one can, it sucks.

I'm really trying to change my attitude about it all though.  I'm trying to be content with everything right now, because I can't change any of it.  I know that I don't have it near as bad as some people.  We have a home.  We have clothes.  We have food.  We have so much more.  We have each other.  Some families don't even have the basics.

 I'm thankful that I only work 3 nights a week instead of more.  I'm thankful that even though I have to work all through the night, I have a job that I love.  I'm thankful that I do get to sleep sometimes, even though those hours may be short.  I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with my boys, even if I'm completely sleep-deprived and in a zombie-like state.  

Somedays I get so caught up in how awful I feel that I just pity myself.  And I take my frustration out on anything I can find.  That's totally wrong of me.  And then there are days like today where I slap myself out of self-pity, tell myself that this is what needs to be done right now and I need to suck it up.

There are so many other people in this world who have way bigger problems than running on little sleep.  People are dying of disease and hunger every minute.  Families struggle everyday to keep a roof over their children's heads, and their bellies full.  I bet they don't complain about how little sleep they get.

Who am I to complain so much about something so trivial?

**PS.  I'm not looking for any pity or anything here...just blogging about what's on my mind.

Baby Fever & Inadequacy.

let me start this post off by saying, that WE ARE NOT PREGNANT.

K. Now that that is out of the way, I'll continue on.

I feel like everyone that had a baby around the same time that I had the boys is now beginning to get pregnant again.  I can count 6 people off the top of my head.  I guess when you're kid turns 1 is a common time to start thinking about having more babies.  It makes sense.  At 1, your kid can most likely walk (or close to walking) it's pretty much all table foods that are the same as what you eat, only chopped up (or foods that are relatively easy and quick to prepare).  They can entertain themselves fairly well because they are able to do more.  I can see why people would think that this is an OK time to try and start having another kid.  By the time the new kiddo would be here, the 1 year old will be almost 2, and even more independent than they are now.  I understand.

All that being said, we don't have any plans to get pregnant quite yet.  I am OK with this, but it also makes me feel a little bit sad, and sometimes a little inadequate.  

Sad, because all my friends are going to have a new baby soon, and I'm not.  Yes, I remember how challenging and stressful those first few months are, but I still miss it sometimes.  I miss feeling them kick around in my belly.  I miss the teeny tiny squeals and sleep smiles.  I miss the tiny little fingers grasping onto mine.  I miss 2 tiny babies in the cosleeper next to me at night.  I miss seeing them for the very first time.  

Inadequate, because I feel like if all my friends feel ready to handle another baby, then I should too, right?  But I know it's different, because I have 2 babies, not just one.  I was talking about this to one of my friends, and she said, "Sarah, don't worry, all they will be doing with this second kid is catching up to you".   I found that funny, but true.  I sometimes forget that I had 2 babies at one time, and that's not the normal.  I'm not saying by any means that one baby is easy, but I think it is easier than having 2 at once.  I forget this concept sometimes, because 2 babies is my normal. And my normal is hard. But it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I feel like I should be able to handle another baby right now also. 

But I know we're not ready yet, and I really am ok with it.  I just sometimes have to remind myself of that when baby fever overtakes me.  I'm not looking for sympathy or even affirmation, just sharing some of my feelings as of late.



And what would a blog post be without a cute picture of my boys : )

Mother's Day

Last year around Mother's Day, this is what I looked like:

Somewhere between 22 and 24 weeks pregnant with little Judah and Foxx.  I was working on finishing up painting their nursery, and slowly gathering all the things I needed to be a new mom.  

It's crazy to think of them now, their energetic happy little selves, bouncing around wrestling and hiccuping in my belly like they so often would.  People wished me "Happy 1st Mother's Day!" back then, but really, it didn't mean anything to me quite yet.

This though, 9 months ago, this is the moment I became a mother.  When I heard their little cries.  When I saw their tiny perfect bodies.  When I held them against my chest.  That moment, was when it all started.  They were real.  They weren't just weird movements in my belly or pictures on an ultrasound screen anymore.  They were here, in my arms, perfect little people, that love created.    

From that moment on, I learned what it meant to be a mother.  I learned the amazement of seeing new life created and entering this world for the first time.  I learned that what I want no longer matters.  I learned that from then on out, everything I do must be in the best interests of my sons.  To see a part of yourself walk outside of your body, growing and learning the world around you, is an amazing experience.  I see it every time baby boys learn a new trick, every time they flash little grins at us, every time I rock them to sleep at night, every time their eyes light up when they see us walk into a room, every time they laugh with each other.  I have learned about a love so strong, that I can see just a tiny glimpse of how God's love is for His children.  

I have been so extremely humbled by becoming a mother.  It has taught me patience, perseverance, and a love beyond what I ever could have imagined.  I would do anything for these little boys, and wouldn't trade them for any other type of life that I could ever have.  We have some really bad days, and we have some really good days, but at the end of all those days, Jeremy and I always talk about how blessed we are to have the opportunity to spend our life together, joined by these awesome little dudes, and possibly even more children.  I couldn't imagine a better father to parent our children alongside me than what I have right now.  He reminds me of how strong I can and have to be sometimes.     

I have a new appreciation for all the mothers present in my life.  For my mom, mother-in-law, my grandmothers on mine and my husbands family, aunts and cousins on each sides of our families.  All these mothers have been in the very same place that I am, and each have done their very best for their children.  That has not gone unnoticed by anyone.  Everyone knows that a mother's love is unlike any other, and you really can't have a tangible hold on that until you actually become one.

Every mother, whether she be a single mom, a married mom, a divorced mom, a widowed mom, a mom whose children are in heaven, or an adoptive mother, a stay-at-home-mom, or a working mom, a mother is someone to be appreciated and loved, at all times. 

Happy Mother's Day Everyone!  

I Don't Believe You Can "Spoil" Babies.

Before I had my baby boys, I always thought that I would get my babies on a good schedule, that I would teach them how to self-console and how to fall asleep on their own, without needing to be rocked.  

HA!

Yeah, none of that really happened.  They are in a sort of routine rather than a set schedule.  They sometimes just want to be held.  They want to be rocked to sleep at night.

Some people may disagree with me on a lot of stuff I'm about to talk about.  Sorry about that, but it's not black and white type of issues.  It's different for everybody, and this is how we have decided to raise our boys.

Let's talk about scheduling.  After the boys were born, especially for the first few months, everything was chaos.  They ate ALL the time (or that's what it felt like, at least).  They wouldn't sleep for more than 2-3 hours at a time (normal newborn sleeping patterns), and they didn't always sleep/wake at the same times during the day.  They eventually got a little better, once they started sleeping through the night, but still their nap times and feeding times were still pretty unpredictable.  Once I returned to work, I got asked soooo many times..."oh so you probably have them on a really good schedule now right?"

This pissed me off so much.  

No, they were not on a good schedule.  They never sleep a consistent amount of time (sometimes it's a 15 minute nap, and sometimes its an hour and half nap).  They sometimes want to eat before the "3-hour" mark.  And then I would start getting upset about it.  If everyone keeps assuming that I have them on a set schedule, then I must not be doing something right.  Why aren't they consistent?  What else can I do?  (breastfeeding hormones did NOT help with this...I got way more upset than I should have, multiple times.)   

Then, I got over it.  Screw it.  I don't care anymore.  They can eat when they want, and they can sleep whenever and however long they want to.  I mean, think about it.  What if people tried to put us on a set schedule?  Do you want to only be able to eat on the hour every 3 hours?  What if you got hungry in between feeding times?  What if you don't need a 2 hour morning nap?  Why should you have to take one, if you are perfectly happy playing with your brother?  I know that some people need to have a schedule.  It helps them get through the day, and have control over things.  But it would drive me crazy.  So why should I subject my babies to something that I wouldn't do myself?  So no, my babies are not on a "schedule".  They wake up at slightly different times each morning, and nap and eat throughout the day whenever they act hungry or sleepy.  Wake up, eat, play, nap and repeat, until bedtime.  That's our "routine", but the times differ everyday (except bedtime-that's pretty consistently at 630/700-unless they've had a super late nap).   

My rule of thumb was always "Once they hit 6 months, then it is ok to let them cry-it-out a little bit, to learn how to fall asleep on their own." Yeah, that one didn't last either.  We tried once or twice to let them cry it out to go to sleep on their own, and neither of us could stand it.  It wasn't 10 minutes before we gave in, ran to our boys, scooped them up and hugged them tight.  From then on, we decided that the crying-it-out method just wasn't going to work for us.  If they need to be rocked to sleep each night, I will rock them.  I love rocking them to sleep, and I'll continue to do so until they don't want any part of it any more.    It's not inconvenient.  Some people have said, "but if they wake up in the middle of the night, they will notice that they are not being rocked, and they won't go back to sleep.".  Well, that hasn't been a problem for us.  Maybe it would be different if it was, but it's not.  So I'll continue to rock my littles to sleep.  

If my babies want to be held, I will hold them.  They crave the closeness and the comfort, and I'm not going to withhold it.  Some people may say "But if you hold them, they are just manipulating you and you're spoiling them.  They need to learn to self-console and/or entertain themselves."  Really? My less-than-a-year-old-twins are manipulative?  Um no.  There will come a day where they won't want to be held or cuddled, so I'm going to enjoy their desire for closeness while it is still here.  I am just trying to put myself in their shoes...You're in a warm place where you're never hungry, nothing is loud or scary, you're not overstimulated, you can sleep comfortably at any time, and you know everything about your surroundings (smells, sounds etc).  Then, someone takes you out of that warm place, put you in a huge new world, where you know nothing.  You're scared.   So of course you want to be closest to the voice, the heartbeat, the smell and the touch of the person who gave you the warm comfort place you were first in.  If my babies need and want to be close to me and/or Jeremy, it's ok.  We'll gladly hold them tight.  

So that is my thoughts on spoiling children.  And it may be completely different with future children, and maybe not.  But this is what works for us now, and what we'll continue to do.  

I don't believe in rigid scheduling or spoiling babies.  

That is all!

I'd love to hear your thoughts!

I'd also love a vote!        

Child-Like Faith

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.

-Matthew 18:3-4

Our Church is currently doing a sermon series on Heaven.  Today, the above verse was mentioned, and it stood out to Jeremy and I.  After church, we were talking about it with an older church member.  We were discussing what "Child-Like Faith" really is, and what it means to us.


Judah and Foxx have extreme trust and faith in us as their parents.  They don't have any kind of worry about where there next meal will come from, whether or not they will have clean, fitting, clothes to wear, or whether they will have a warm house to live in.  They don't worry about any of these things.  
They rely solely on us to provide for them.  
They trust that we will take care of them.  
They don't worry about how it will get done, they just know that it does.  


Us, on the other hand, we often do worry about these things.  
We sometimes get very worried about our finances, especially while currently being a 1-income family.  We worry about whether we will have enough money for more children.  
We worry about whether we will have enough money to send them to a good school (As of now, the public schools in our district are not very good, so we'd have to go private, unless we moved, but then we worry if we'd have enough money to move).  
We worry about where the money is going to come from to pay all of they boys' (Judah's) medical bills.  


Our babies don't worry about any of this.  I know that they are still little and don't understand yet, but the point is still there.  When they are 5 years old, they are going to be the same way.  They won't worry about how they're going to get taken care of, they just know that they will be ok.  


It's really funny, and humbling a lot of times, to see how they react to our worry, or anxiety or anger.  Jeremy and I will come home from somewhere having found out that we owe more money on something, we will have just gotten a phone call about more medical bills that we owe on, etc., and the boys will have no idea what's going on.  They will just look up at us as one of us is talking, and give a huge smile.  


Because none of it matters to them.  


What matters to them is that we are near them at this point in time.  They are happy to see us, they love us and they trust us, and that is all that they care about.  They don't know how bad of a day we might have had, they don't know that we struggle sometimes to find money to eat as healthy as we want/need to, they don't know that it's hard.  They just know that it's going to be ok.


This is how we need to be with God.  God is our father.  We are his children.  He will provide for us just as we always find a way to provide for Judah and Foxx.  We need to stop worrying about where it's going to come from and just have faith in God.  


Thank you, Judah and Foxx, for showing me God's love, every single day. 


And thank you God, for giving me awesome kids, a loving husband, a friendly church, and everything I need to live and get by, plus way more than I deserve.

   

How We Do What We Do Everyday.

You get asked a lot of questions when you have twins. 

One of the most common as of late has been "How do you do all of these things you like to do, and take care of 2 babies?"

Well friends, here is a detailed answer and look into our everyday life of how we manage mundane tasks while keeping 2 little boys healthy and happy.

1.  "How do you take the boys around on errands?"

-If I need to go to a store or somewhere big enough where I will be there for while, I take our double stroller.  The boys love going anywhere so they're pretty content just hanging out in the stroller, flashing smiles at everyone.  If I need to take them both into somewhere that is not so double-stroller-friendly (Baja Burrito for example), I simply put one of them in a carrier/wrap/sling, and carry the other on one of my arms, which then leaves me with one free arm.   Like so...

It works nicely.  And I feel a little like superwoman.

And now that they can sit up just fine on their own, grocery shopping with both boys is much easier also. I put one of them in the cart-seat, and one of them in a carrier or sling!

2.  "How do you find time to keep up with this blog, your food blog, reading and whatever else your hobbies are?"

-It really helps that my boys go to bed around 630-7 every night.  Jeremy and I usually don't go to bed until 11 or so, which gives us plenty of time to ourselves each night.  This is when I can be found on the computer, in the kitchen cooking/baking, playing wii, reading, or scrapbooking.  

3.  "How are you able to cook at home as much as you do?"

-Time management is big here.  If you know anything about my cooking style, I don't really like pre-made meals or throw-everything-from-a-can-in-a-pot-and-bake-it type of cooking.  I like to start from raw ingredients.  This is usually more delicious and nutritious, however, it is definitely more time consuming.  You have to find time to chop all the fruit and veggies.  You have to find time to make/cook the pasta.  You have to find time to knead the bread dough and let the yeast rise.  Meal planning is also big.  Last minute throw together meals work out occasionally, but I usually have better luck if I know what I'm going to make on which day.  This also lets me plan ahead to have dinner ready before 9 pm.  Throughout the day, whenever babies nap or are self-entertaining, I take the opportunity to go chop some veggies that I will use for dinner that night.  Sometimes, I'll prepare everything the night before, and all I have to do the day of is actually cook it.  It's also nice having a husband that knows a thing or two about food, because he will occasionally cook or help out with the cooking when things are really busy.  And for those days when babies are not self-entertaining and refuse to do anything except be held...

Sometimes you have to cook one-handed and/or with a baby or 2 on your hip.  

4.  "How do you have time to work out and stay healthy?"

-Make it a priority.  Since we have adapted our way of eating, our diet has become very important to us, as has exercise.  Running outside is my preferred method of exercise.  However, since I'm working 4 12-hour shifts a week from now until April, I feel like the days that I am home need to be spent with my boys only.  I don't like to leave them to go on a run.  So, I opt for other methods of working out.  If it's nice enough outside, I do take the boys for a run in our double jogging stroller.

Otherwise, I  workout either while the boys nap, after they go to bed, or while they are awake and happy playing with each other. Sometimes they will sit there and watch me workout, and laugh.

5.  "How do you get them to nap/wake/sleep at the same time?"

-I don't feel like we've really done much to make this happen.  The boys just sort of do it on their own, and pretty much always have.  They usually get tired around the same times, and nap together during the day (they can get a little off here and there, but not drastically).  They don't wake each other up during naps, so sometimes one will wake before the other.  As far as bedtime, we do the same routine each night, and they both take to it well, and go to sleep (usually) without a fuss.  They sleep straight through the night, and usually wake up around the same time together in the morning.  We just got lucky here I guess.

6.  "How do you have time to wash and prepare cloth diapers for your twins?"

-I actually just posted about this a few days ago:  Cloth Diapers.  Washing really isn't that much work.  We throw wet cloths into the bag, we spray out the poops in the toilet.  When we have a full bag (about every other day), throw them in the wash, dry them overnight, and stuff them later that night or the next morning during downtime (or one or two as needed if there is no time to stuff all at once).  

7.  "How do you get ready in the mornings and get to places on time?"

-Babies wake up.  They come into bed with us.  We snuggle.  We get up and start getting ready in our room.  Babies watch the ceiling fan, play with each other, or fall back asleep on our bed.  All while we are showering and getting ready.  Then, we change, feed, and go!

And that's how we do things 'round here.  If you would have asked me these questions while I was pregnant, I would have no answers.  I had to figure it out.  Sometimes, you just have to do what you have to do.  I figure out more and more things that work for us every day, and I'm still learning.

Anyone have any other questions that I didn't answer?

Parenthood

Being a parent is a full-time job.  I don't think I need to expand on that statement to anyone who has been around anyone with children.  Unlike a day-to-day run-of-the-mill career, there are no "sick days".  There are no shift-trades, personal days or vacation days.  It is a 24/7 job without monetary payment.  It is at times very difficult, but always extremely rewarding and humbling.  Having children has taught me a lot of patience.  There have been many days where I have woken up (in the middle of the night, or the morning) and thought...I can't do this.  I'm too tired, I don't feel good, I'm not strong enough, etc.  But somehow, I always did it.  I pushed through whatever ailed me at the time and took care of my babies.  Once you have kids, you are no longer the center of your life.  The kiddos take over the focus.  It can be hard to accept that at first, but once that realization has been met, once the fact that every single day of life from here on out is lived for my husband and my babies and not for myself is accepted, life can really begin.  You begin to see so much beauty, and love and energy that wasn't there before.  Every new day is about love.  God's love for us, our love for each other and our love for our children.  It's crazy how these things change so drastically.


Over the past few weeks, our little family has been a little under the weather.  Foxx got it first.  Cool boy didn't even act he was sick.  Snot pouring out his nose and he's just laughing away in between coughs.  Judah caught it next, and is still getting over the crud.  Jeremy had it last week.  I thought I was going to get away without catching it.

WRONG.

It finally got to me.  Although I don't have it full force (yet), I am definitely feeling it.  I'm more tired, I can't breathe through my nose when I wake up in the morning,  I have a headache most of the day, and sinus pressure like crazy.

Even though I wake up feeling like absolute crap, once the boys wake up and need something, my sickness is pushed aside.  I don't even realize just how bad I actually feel until the end of the day when the boys are sleeping and all is quiet in the house.

I'm a mom.  I don't get a chance to be sick.  


So I'm  not going to.  I'm going to will my sickness away.

That is all.

Give us a vote?