Saturday, November 17, 2012

It's Been A Struggle Lately...

Life has been rough lately, and I've been internally struggling quite a bit.

Working night shift is hard.  Working night shift when you have 2 toddlers is extra hard.  

I want to be a stay at home mom.  But I can't.  It's just not an option for us financially.  I don't think I could even go to dayshift and us be ok financially.  And I'm pretty certain that we do not in anyway live above our means.  We pay our bills, student loans, daycare, mortgage, food, etc.  We hardly have money left over for much else right now.       

And almost everyday that I do ha3ve by myself with the boys, they are way worse for me than they are when their dad stays home with them.  They don't eat very well for me.  They don't nap for me.  They hardly play by themselves and constantly whine to be held.  So then I get discouraged because if I were a stay at home mom, would they get better?  They're almost always great when we go places, so whenever I have them, I usually just end up taking them somewhere (shopping, the park, out to lunch with friends).  Which is fine, but sometimes I'd like to just hang out at home.  

There are so many days (almost every saturday that I work) where I have to wake up at 6am, stay up and watch the boys all day, and then work all night that night.  I end up staying up for 24+ hours.   And then there are days like this weekend.  I woke up at 6am this morning, have had the boys all day, will probably have to work tonight (I'm on call), get to have 3 hours of sleep tomorrow morning while the boys go to church, keep them all afternoon, and return to work again tomorrow night.  So I will get a total of about 3 hours sleep within a 48 hour period.  

This is when I breakdown.  My body is so exhausted.  It's the wee hours at work that is the worst.  All my body wants to do is shut down and collapse, but I can't.  I have to take care of my patients.  And that next day while I'm awake, I tend to lose my temper more with the boys.  I get angry when they won't let me cook dinner.  I get angry when they won't sleep for more than 30 minutes at nap time.  I snap at Jeremy when I feel like he's not trying hard enough to help me out with housework (even though he really does help).  

We have friends that sometimes can help out.  And for that, I'm so thankful.  But when no one can, it sucks.

I'm really trying to change my attitude about it all though.  I'm trying to be content with everything right now, because I can't change any of it.  I know that I don't have it near as bad as some people.  We have a home.  We have clothes.  We have food.  We have so much more.  We have each other.  Some families don't even have the basics.

 I'm thankful that I only work 3 nights a week instead of more.  I'm thankful that even though I have to work all through the night, I have a job that I love.  I'm thankful that I do get to sleep sometimes, even though those hours may be short.  I'm thankful for the time that I do get to spend with my boys, even if I'm completely sleep-deprived and in a zombie-like state.  

Somedays I get so caught up in how awful I feel that I just pity myself.  And I take my frustration out on anything I can find.  That's totally wrong of me.  And then there are days like today where I slap myself out of self-pity, tell myself that this is what needs to be done right now and I need to suck it up.

There are so many other people in this world who have way bigger problems than running on little sleep.  People are dying of disease and hunger every minute.  Families struggle everyday to keep a roof over their children's heads, and their bellies full.  I bet they don't complain about how little sleep they get.

Who am I to complain so much about something so trivial?

**PS.  I'm not looking for any pity or anything here...just blogging about what's on my mind.

1 comment:

  1. Sara, Don't be so hard on yourself for being overwhelmed! You are carrying a LOT right now and you are trying to do so without getting much rest. Sleep is so important and has a huge impact on how well we are able to cope with stress. Let me know if you have any days you need some extra help. serious!